Sleep. That elusive little rascal we all chase but can never quite catch. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably (nay, definitely!) realised that your child's sleep patterns are akin to the most unpredictable reality show ever; complete with unexpected plot twists, dramatic tantrums, and the occasional silent treatment. It’s like Love Island, minus the plastic surgery and with a higher IQ…
Anyway! Let’s take a teensy little tour through the madcap world of children’s sleep challenges by age.
(0-1 year): the tiny sleep tyrants
Welcome to the stage of the Sleep Tyrants, also known as infants. These mini dictators have an astonishing ability to turn a perfectly normal adult into a zombie in just a few nights. Mad skills. One minute they’re snoozing like cherubs, and the next they’re up at 3 AM, screaming their heads off like they’ve seen the ghost of Christmas past. Though actually, the ghost of Christmas yet to come still bothers us on a deeper level to this day, particularly the one from The Muppet’s version. No thanks!
You’ll try everything: swaddling them like a burrito, rocking them gently, singing lullabies, and even resorting to weird shushing noises that make you sound like a broken kettle, making you question your own sanity. The result? A fleeting moment of peace before they wake up again, hungry or in need of a nappy change.
Insight from experience: Just when you think you’ve cracked their sleep schedule, they’ll switch it up. It’s like they’re part of some secret baby club with the motto: "Keep 'em guessing." Just when you’re about to brag to your friends that your little one slept through the night, BAM! They’ll hit you with a sleep regression.
(1-3 years): the houdinis of bedtime
Moving on to toddlers, those adorable yet infuriating little escape artists. You put them to bed, tuck them in, read their favourite story for the millionth time, and kiss them goodnight. Two seconds later, they’ve wriggled out of their bed and are standing right behind you like some creepy horror movie child.
Bedtime routines with toddlers are an Olympic sport. First, there’s the marathon of convincing them to actually get into bed, usually involving several laps of chasing them around the house. Then comes the long jump of getting them to stay in bed. Just when you think you’ve nailed it, they’re out again, demanding a snack, a toy, to see the moon, or to tell you something completely inconsequential. They’re experts at that…
Young humans have an uncanny ability to pop up at the most inconvenient times. Oh, you’re trying to have a romantic evening? Bam! There’s a toddler at your feet demanding a glass of water that they won’t drink. You’ll start to question if they have some sort of sixth sense for knowing the precise moment when you’re about to relax.
(3-5 years): the negotiators
At this age, children are basically tiny lawyers. Bedtime with them is like negotiating a hostage situation. “Just one more story, Mummy,” “I need to go to the toilet,” “There’s a monster under my bed,” and the classic, “But I’m not tired!”
They have an arsenal of delay tactics that would make a seasoned diplomat proud. You’ll find yourself embroiled in bedtime negotiations that last longer than Brexit talks. And just when you think you’ve struck a deal, they’ll hit you with a curveball, like needing to check if their teddy has brushed its teeth. Your response? Of course it has! Bears are renowned for their dental hygiene, after all.
These master manipulators will pull every trick in the book to delay the inevitable. You’ll find yourself agreeing to things you never thought you would, like letting them sleep with all seven of their favourite fluffy animals and a torch, just for a moment’s peace. You might even promise them a pony if it means they’ll close their eyes and stop asking for just one more bedtime story.
(6-12 years): the night owls
By the time they hit school age, it seems that kids these days have developed full-blown FOMO. Sleep? Who needs it when there are YouTube videos to watch, Minecraft worlds to build, and “urgent” things to Google? Or asking completely random and, to them, seemingly irrelevant questions like, “can I see a picture of Sylvester Stallone in the 1995 release of Judge Dredd?”
They’ll insist they’re not tired as their eyes droop and their heads nod. You’ll have to drag them to bed, and then you’ll hear them whispering and giggling with their toys for the next hour. Honestly, it’s like trying to herd cats, cats that are really into TikTok.
School-age kids are also master procrastinators. They’ll suddenly remember at bedtime that they need to finish a homework project that’s due tomorrow, or they’ll become deeply philosophical, asking you questions about the meaning of life and the universe right when you’re ready to collapse into bed. They know every single one of your buttons, and the precise order to push them to make you go nuclear.
(13+ years): the professional sleepers
Ah, teenagers. Once they hit puberty, they transform into nocturnal creatures. They’re practically vampires, minus the bloodlust (unless it’s for snacks). Getting a teen out of bed in the morning is a little like trying to wake the dead. They can sleep through multiple alarms, parental threats, and even a small earthquake.
However, try getting them to go to bed before midnight, and they’ll look at you like you’ve suggested the most absurd thing ever. “But everyone’s online at this time!” Right, because the world will end if they don’t get one more odd dance done on Fortnite...
Teens are also experts in the art of the lie-in. They can sleep until noon, or even later, and will emerge from their rooms looking like they’ve just crossed the Sahara desert, and usually smelling that way too. Their sleep patterns are so erratic, you’ll start to wonder if they’re secretly moonlighting as nightclub DJs, without the income of course.
conclusion: surviving the sleep circus
From the tyrannical infants to the nocturnal teens, each age comes with its own sleep challenges. As parents, you’ll need a truckload of patience, a good sense of humour, and, let’s be honest, an endless supply of coffee. Remember, this too shall pass, and one day, you’ll get to wake them up at the crack of dawn just for the fun of it. Make sure you laugh manically all the way downstairs when you do too!
Really, it’s a rollercoaster ride in the dark, through the wild, wacky world of kids and their sleep habits. Remember, no matter how sleep-deprived you are right now, someday you’ll look back and laugh, maybe however because your brain has broken. You might just smile sleepily while clutching your coffee cup though. Either way, hang in there, and may the odds be ever in your favour. Until next time, Eve Sleep.
