Right, have you ever watched the Olympics and thought, "Blimey, these athletes probably sleep like absolute champions"? Well, you're in luck because we’re about to spill the beans on how to sleep like an Olympian, without actually having to do any of that exhausting exercise. Ready to transform your snoozing skills? On your marks, get set, go! See what we did there?
step 1: the perfect sleep environment
First things first, you need to create the ultimate sleep cave. Olympians don’t sleep in any old bed; they’ve got high-tech mattresses that feel like you’re floating on a cloud. But since we don’t have an entire National Olympic Committee to support our budget, a good start is to just grab the fluffiest duvet you can find, and as many pillows as you can nick from the guest bedroom. Pile them up like a fortress and dive in. Blackout curtains are a must, Olympians tend to avoid light if they can, so make your room darker than Robert Palmer’s wardrobe. Seriously, it should be so dark that even Dracula would ask for a night light…
And for the ultimate touch, invest in one of those white noise machines. Nothing says "I'm a serious sleeper" like the sound of ocean waves gently lapping while you're thirty miles inland. If you're strapped for cash, just leave a fan on. It's like nature's white noise machine but without the hefty price tag. If you’re worried about the environmental impact of this, then never fear! There are some devices out there that would even keep Greta at bay, just do a Google.
step 2: pre-sleep routine
Forget the warm-up laps, your pre-sleep routine should be as lazy as possible. Slip into your comfiest pyjamas, the ones with the least amount of holes, and make yourself a cuppa, bonus points for ones sporting a national emblem of some description. REPRESENT! When it comes to your brew, there’ll be none of that green tea nonsense thank you very much; we're talking hot chocolate with extra sugar-free marshmallows. Watch a bit of telly, preferably something as dull as a three-hour documentary on the nocturnal activities of a mole-rat. This will help your brain shut down, just like an athlete’s does before a big race.
Now, if you really want to go for gold, add in some light stretches. Not because it helps, but because it makes you look like you know what you're doing. A bit of yoga? Perfect. Just make sure your "downward dog" doesn’t end with you face-planting into the carpet. One of us ended up with some seriously nasty carpet burns on the bridge of their nose once, zero style points were awarded…
step 3: nutrition and hydration
Olympians have strict diets, but since we're aiming for the gold in sleeping, grab a bag of crisps and your favourite drink. Just make sure not to go overboard, or you'll be up all night dealing with the consequences. Pro tip: biscuits are excellent for a pre-sleep snack. Dunk them in your hot chocolate for maximum relaxation. Not too long of a soak though, or you’ll need a sieve to fish out the lumps… Grim.
Don’t forget the importance of staying hydrated. But hold up, not too much, or you’ll be doing the 100-meter dash to the toilet at 3 AM, and 4, and 5. Aim for the sweet spot where you’re just hydrated enough to feel smug about your life choices. Bliss.
step 4: mental preparation
Mental prep is crucial. Olympians visualise their success, so you should too. Imagine yourself winning the gold in the 100-meter napping event. Picture the applause, the medals, the sponsorship deals, the inevitable celebrity wedding, paid for by a trashy magazine. Positive thinking buddy, it’s key to sleeping like a champ.
You might even want to try some meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and repeat a mantra like, "I am a sleep champion" or "I will not think about that embarrassing thing I did in 2008." Whatever works to get you in the zone. Try to avoid the embarrassing thought mantra though, it’s a sure fire way to give you that awful falling feeling when you’re drifting off, with the eventual realisation that, “yes it did really happen”.
step 5: timing is everything
Olympians stick to strict schedules, and you should too, but with a twist. Set a bedtime that’s early enough to get a solid eight hours but late enough that you don’t feel like a grandparent. And for the love of all things cosy, don’t set an alarm unless you have to. True Olympian sleepers wake up naturally, with whatever sun sneaks past their blackout blinds gently caressing their faces, or, in our case, at whatever time your body decides it’s had enough.
If you must set an alarm, make it something gentle. No one wakes up ready to take on the world to the sound of a fire alarm. Choose something soothing, like birds chirping or a gentle harp. Or, if you’re feeling cheeky, the sound of a crowd cheering, because you’re an Olympic sleeper, after all. Genuinely, mine is the Concerning Hobbits theme from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack… Give it a go, you won’t regret it.
step 6: the art of the power nap
Olympians know the value of a good nap, so take notes. Perfect the art of the 20-minute power nap. Any longer and you’ll wake up groggy, any shorter and you’ll just be angry at yourself. Find a comfy spot, could be the sofa, could be the office (if your boss isn't looking), and drift off. Remember, it’s not about the quantity, it’s about the quality. Let’s be honest, there’s nothing worse than that horrible groggy, sicky feeling after a long nap. DISGASTANG!
To really nail this, get yourself one of those eye masks. Not just any eye mask, but the kind that looks like something a Hollywood diva would wear. Bonus points if it has sequins and a cooling gel inner. If You’ll be the envy of everyone in the break room. Until your contract is terminated, that is. Worth it!
step 7: the recovery phase
After a night of top-tier sleep, don’t just jump out of bed like a loon. Stretch, yawn, and take your time. Olympians wake up slowly, letting their bodies adjust, so if you can, stay in bed for a few extra minutes, basking in the glory of your epic slumber. Check your phone, scroll through social media, and have a private gloat session, confident in the knowledge that your friends didn't sleep half as well as you did.
And don’t forget to document your achievement. Post a smug selfie with the caption, “Slept like an Olympian.” Watch as the likes roll in and your friends marvel at your superior sleeping skills. You can even tag us in your post if you like! We really do love hearing about how well slept eve enthusiasts are!
sleeping like an olympian: our final thoughts
And there you have it, folks! The ultimate guide to sleeping like an Olympian without breaking a sweat. Follow these steps and you'll be snoozing like a champion in no time. Just remember, the real goal is to enjoy your sleep and wake up feeling like you could take on the world (or at least the morning commute). Sweet dreams, legends!
So, next time you’re tucking yourself in, remember: you’re not just going to bed, you’re embarking on a quest for the gold in the marathon of napping. Sleep tight, and may your dreams be filled with victory laps and medal ceremonies. We’re already so proud of you! Until next time, eve sleep.